Sex With 900 Men in Nine Years (or, Where Does She Find the TIME?)

SLUT

Posted by TERESA

So, I was listening to Elvis Duran and the Z Morning Zoo this morning, as I am wont to do most mornings, and they were talking about this story.  Apparently, a woman in England “confessed” to having slept with 900 men in nine years.

My first question?

Who the hell did she “confess” this to, and why did she want to make this news??

My second question?

Where did she find the time??

However, what bothered me most was the way it was being discussed on the radio, both by the DJs and the people calling in.  I’m sure you already know how it went.  Hell, you might even have chimed in the same way yourself!  There was a string of calls saying she was a slut, but more than that, that she was “disturbed” or had “psychological problems.”  My absolute favorite quote (and by favorite, I mean that I wanted to punch the guy in the face) was when this guy called in and said “It would even be a bit abnormal if a guy did that!”

Check that word choice, people:

It would even be a bit abnormal if a guy did that.

First, let me get this out of the way….900 men is A LOT.  A LOT.  Like, way more than your usual amount, and I’m including porn stars and gang bangers when I say that.  That many people definitely increases your risk for all sorts of STDs and pregnancy no matter how much protection you use, or what kind of pill you’re on.  I mean, that’s just a matter of numbers.

But what bothered me was the way people were talking about this woman.  First, there was the knee-jerk reaction in calling her a slut, to which I say….so?  OK, so she’s a slut.  Now what?  People think that pointing out the fact that a woman has slept with many men is the ultimate insult.  As if what she’s done is, of course, inherently morally wrong.  As if the discussion stops there.  My next question would be, “Why?”  And no, “It just IS” is not an answer.  (If you’d like to answer that question in the comments, feel free)  I, for one, don’t think it is.  No one who called in actually had a reason why what she did was wrong, and every assumption they made was proved wrong by the story:

– she was never abused as a child and was, in fact, raised in a Catholic home with Catholic values and sent to a Catholic school.

– she always used protection (and never got an STD or pregnant)

– the sex was always consentual and initiated by her

– there was nothing in the story pointing to the fact that she actually did have clinical psychological problems, nor do any of her quotes lead me to believe that.

John Bell, one of the DJs on Z100 who’s USUALLY the voice of reason, said “Someone who sleeps with that many people doesn’t do it for pleasure or because they like sex.  Clearly, there’s something wrong.”

Clearly?  Really?  Is this according to your years of psychological study?  Cause, I know lots of people – women, specifically – who just REALLY LIKE SEX THAT MUCH.  And *gasp* they prioritize sex over having a relationship.

EEK!  THE HORROR!

What bothered me about the whole thing was that every response people gave to this story was rooted in the idea that women shouldn’t have lots of sex.  That a “normal” woman doesn’t want it that much, and if she expresses wanting it that much, then “clearly” there’s something wrong with her.  Meanwhile, while this would “even” be a lot for a man, clearly it would be more permissible if it were.  Hell, if this had been a guy, it probably wouldn’t have been news! (Though someone might have taken out a congratulatory ad)

That’s the other thing – the idea that she shouldn’t have done that, because no guy will want her after that.  Because men don’t like it when women are “tainted goods” and would never want to be in a relationship with a woman who’s been with that many men.    So, we’re back to the old chestnut that women have to control and compose their behavior to suit what men want so that they can land one and be in a stable relationship.

News flash: not every woman wants or cares if she’s in a relationship.

News flash #2: not all guys care how many partners a woman’s had, and some actually see a very experienced woman as a plus, because it means his sex life with her will be hot

News flash #3: lots of women, I would say MOST women, enjoy sex.  Like, as much as men. (*again, gasp*)

News flash #4 – and this is important – TO HELL WITH MEN!  I know a lot of you reading this are thinking “Teresa, obviously there’s a double-standard, but that’s just how it is, and if a woman wants a man she can’t be advertising her numbers like that.”

The people who’ve said that to me DRIVE ME CRAZY!  First of all, just because that’s “how it is”, doesn’t mean it’s right.  It was once common for there to be separate “White” and “Colored” bathrooms, too.  It was wrong then, and it’s wrong now.  If you live your life according to the way it is without also pursuing life as you want it to be, nothing will ever change for the better.  Any positive (or negative) changes in the world happen because enough people believe they should.  That’s all it takes, but apparently, it’s the most difficult thing to have happen.

So, say it with me: women like sex, too.

Sometimes they like it more than having a boyfriend. This should not be news.  Sometimes they have a boyfriend and that boyfriend lets them sleep with other men (and the women let their boyfriends sleep with other people, too). This should not be news.  Sometimes women don’t have miserable first times. This should not be news.  Sometimes women pursue sex! THIS SHOULD NOT BE NEWS.

My only problem with this woman is that she allowed it to be a news story.  Who did she tell, and why did she feel the need to make it public?  The sluts I know (and I use the term with love, and they know that) are all also extremely classy and discreet.  They are ethical people who are  open about how they live, but they never shove it in people’s faces, never use it as party story fodder unless requested, and generally act (and dress) tastefully.  And they treat their sex partners, whether they are in a relationship with them, or it’s a one night stand, with respect.  Just because someone has a lot of sex doesn’t mean they have to make themselves a sideshow attraction.

So this woman is a slut, but I have more of a problem with her being a media whore.  I think that’s more indicative of the aforementioned “psychological problems” than the sex is in and of itself.

What do you all think? I’d love to hear from guys in particular.  If you found out that the girl you were dating successfully and exclusively had slept with 900 guys before you, how would you react, and why?

**ADDENDUM: I’m sure if any of you reading this actually sat down and counted everyone you’ve ever had sexual encounters with – be it boyfriends or one night stands, be they full-on intercourse, oral sex, or any variation thereof – I think you might surprise yourself with your own number.

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Published in: on October 26, 2009 at 5:23 PM  Leave a Comment  
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Writer Round-Up!

hot blogger

Posted by TERESA

Just because we haven’t been writing here, doesn’t mean we haven’t been writing at ALL!  Here are some links to work by me and some other Commune Cohorts that you might have missed!

TERESA (that would be me!):

Here are my most recent contributions to Pink Raygun and PopMatters!

** Pink Raygun Post – GEEK THEATER: “VIRAL” – review of the wonderful off-off Broadway play by Mac Rogers, which has currently added performances through the end of September (see comments at the bottom of the article).

** PopMatters Post – Wizard World Philly #1: The Death Rattle and Wizard World Philly #2: The Comic Book Legal Defense Fund – two blog posts I wrote for PM summing up the LAMENESS that was Wizard World Philly this year.  However, I was there for a very good cause!

PENDARD:

Pendard’s Geeky Sex blog is still going strong!  Here’s some of the posts you might have missed:

FET LIFE INTERVIEW – where Pendard discovers that the founder of the Fet Life community is a kindred spirit in more than the obvious ways.

THE STACKS: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN – Pendard talks about the short story, the film, and Annie Proulx’s difficulty with fan fiction

DEFENDING VANILLA SEX – a thoughtful piece on vanilla sex and its place in the kink community, which is also a response to a column by Mistress Matisse in The Stranger.

AUNT MAY IN LOVE – old people have sex, and young people need to get over it!  Because one day, they’ll be old, too!

APPARENTLY, I’M SOME KIND OF POLYAMORY EXPERT – Pendard as advice columnist?  Sounds like a great idea to me!

SUSIE BRIGHT ON “BLOODBALLING” AND OTHER FUN ACTIVITIES – Like Margaret Cho said, “There’s this weird correlation between people who like Star Trek, S&M, and the Rennaisance Faire.”  Susie Bright (and Pendard) explain why.

ANNABELLE RIVER:

Check out Annabelle’s latest posts to SexGenderBody:

THE MASOCHIST NEXT DOOR – Annabelle explains just how it is that a good girl from a stable home who always got good grades and had never been abused gets turned on by being bound, gagged, and spanked.  I’d actually read this elsewhere, and I’m so glad she reposted it.

BRIDEZILLA AND BACK FROM THE DEAD – Where ARE all the groom magazines, anyway?  And who says women are the only ones who care about weddings, or that they care at all?  Annabelle discusses the stereotypes she encountered in planning her recent wedding.

Happy reading, everyone!  🙂

Published in: on September 4, 2009 at 2:37 PM  Leave a Comment  
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SEX

Now that I have your attention…

…no, wait.  This actually IS about sex.  Or, rather, it’s about one sex writer – ANNABELLE RIVER, a talented poly/kink writer and longtime Commune Cohort (and partner of fellow Cohort, PENDARD).  We’ve been meaning to promote her work here at the blog for a while now…so here it is!

She’s currently writing for a great, sex-positive blog called Sexgenderbody.  Her recent posts include:

Different Loving (on how to find your local BDSM scene)

Reflections on Puppy Play

Where Are All the Poly Writers?

Kink Reality Vs. Kink Fantasy

and most recently

Why Would You Get Married? (Annabelle explains why she, as a woman who identifies as poly, would want to get married)

Does The Commune have the next Susie Bright on its hands?  You make the call!

– Head Commune-ist

Published in: on June 1, 2009 at 6:04 PM  Leave a Comment  
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In the Flesh

Posted by PENDARD

Last night Teresa and I went to In the Flesh. I wrote all about it on my Geeky Sex blog. Here’s a exerpt. Click the link for the whole story.

Last night found me and one of my friends on the Lower East Side of Manhattan in a bar named, quite appropriately, Happy Ending. The occasion was Rachel Kramer Bussel’s monthly In the Flesh reading, where writers of erotica and other sexy writing come together to read their work. Bussel, a prolific erotica writer who also edits Penthouse Variations and numerous books such as Spanked and the Best Sex Writing anthology, has been hosting this event for several years and it’s apparently a great success. The bar was standing room only.

Published in: on May 22, 2009 at 8:08 PM  Leave a Comment  
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Where No Geeky Sex Has Gone Before

Posted by PENDARD

Star Trek is upon us. In honor of the new movie — and damn is it good! — I’ve posted a few posts about Trek sex at Geeky Sex!

The first post is about the undeniable (according to some) sexual tension between Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock. I even have Trek creator Gene Roddenberry’s opinion on the subject.

The second post is the top 5 Star Trek episodes about sex. Stop by the blog and check them out.

Published in: on May 9, 2009 at 8:55 PM  Leave a Comment  
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Your Daily Dose of Geeky Sex

Posted by PENDARD

Hi. I’m Pendard (not my real name, duh) and I’m an associate of the Commune-ists that are writing this fun blog. They offered to let me post here.

Thing is, I already have a blog. It’s called Geeky Sex and it’s awesome. You should come and read it. Here’s the basic gist: some people geek out over comic books or Star Wars. They have websites, online bulletin boards, conventions, collectables, books, whatever. I’m that way about sex. There are tons of other people out that who go geek for sex too but because sex is still kind of a hush-hush subject it can be harder to find geeky sex stuff. Unless you know where to look, which is where my blog comes in.

Wait, what? Geeks are into sex? Um, YEAH. The more I get to know people in alternative lifestyles the more I realize there is some serious overlap between the Ren Fair and the swinger club. I’m not really sure why. Nor am I sure why people who grew up watching Klingons jab each other with cattle prods and beat each other senseless while fucking later got into S&M. (Actually, I kinda get that one.)

So I already have a blog and mine was here first, dammit, so my posts here are basically going to be limited to pointing you over there whenever I do a really big post. And, as luck would have it, the Commune blog is opening its doors on the day that I posted a review of the new edition of one of the greatest and most famous books on alternative sexuality ever: The Ethical Slut.

Here’s a taste of my review:

This is it — the original polyamory manifesto, the old stand-by for college students looking to sow some wild oats, aging hippies holding on to free love… and, of course, the rest of us. In a single volume Dossie Easton and her writing partner Janet Hardy (writing under a pen name here) lay out the case for having multiple relationships concurrently with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

The Ethical Slut was a truly groundbreaking book. It came out at a time when the idea that a person could practice nonmonogamy openly and with the full consent of everyone involved was a revolutionary one. Very few people had proposed that jealousy is a cultural construct that can be fought, dealt with and overcome rather than a bred-in-the-bone instinct against which we were completely powerless. It was the dawn of the Religious Right, so Easton and Hardy were certainly bucking the trend by suggesting that sex is fun and pleasure is good for you.

Read the whole thing over at Geeky Sex. And come back often, I have tons of great posts and links that I’m not always going to tease here.

Published in: on May 4, 2009 at 8:27 PM  Leave a Comment  
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